I came across this blog post from BTR.org (BTR stands for Betrayal Trauma Recovery) and wanted to share it:
Dear Family, Please Stop Enabling Hidden Abuse
I felt the author shared some good insights. This quote really hit home for me, though:
“If you aren’t her ally, you’re his enabler.”
Siding with an abuser is never something I have understood. However, I am learning first hand that even when family members or friends stay friends or even “mutual” with your abuser it is just as unfathomable and hurtful.
It makes me want to ask these people, “What makes abuse real?”
- Is it when you see a bruise or scar? Then do you believe it?
- Is there a certain amount of time after it happens that the victim needs to tell you about it by for it to be real?
- Do you need to know the type of abuse?
- Do you need to know when the abuse happened?
- Because the victim showed love to her/his abuser does that make it not real?
- Because the abuser made themselves out to be the victim does that make their abuse not real?
Shouldn’t it be enough for a loved one to say, “He/She abused me” in order to stop contact (including social media) with that person if you truly care about the victim?
A person can use every excuse in the book to still stay in contact with the abuser but they are still an enabler.
I am currently going through this and it has been an eye opening and painful experience. However, I have felt incredible love and support by the people who truly, truly, love me. There is nothing like hearing, “I am sorry that happened to you. I love you and support you no matter what. You are my ______ (niece, granddaughter, friend, etc.). I am here for you.”
Again, I wanted to share this post from BTR because the author makes some great points. I encourage you to read it because sometimes we don’t understand what someone else is going through unless we experience ourselves. In the meantime, the best way to gain understanding it from someone who has experienced it.